Whoever said "there is nothing new under the sun", was cynical, easily bored,
jaded, and absolutely correct.
The trite cliché which I amateurishly used to kick off this News-o-Rama seems
especially true as we trudge through an April where the Cleveland Browns have no
first-day draft picks. All that's left to feed our constant hunger for Browns
news is a bunch of info-leftovers already known to most Browns fans weeks ago
and improperly re-heated in the mainstream media's toaster oven.
Here are today's stunning developments:
Joe Jurevicius, Official Cleveland Brown: Not wanting to be
left out, Joe Jurevicius finally passed the Browns Pledging and Initiation
Ceremony by contracting a staph infection, it was kind-of, sort-of revealed
in the mainstream media yesterday via the usual unnamed-sources.
You might say, "Gee? Didn't I already know JJ had a staph infection?". Yeah,
you probably did, because
we were talking about it in the Watercooler a month ago, thanks to
enterprising Browns fans. Proving once again that the hive mind knows all.
Anyhow, we're so proud of JJ, despite his tendency to procrastinate.
question, of course, is how the heck Jurevicius managed to find the right
bacteria to come down with staph in the currently pristine and
repeatedly-sterilized confines of Berea. My theory is that the Browns made
a key mistake by having all employees leave Berea before last year's
sterilization extravaganza. They need to bolt everyone to the floor and have
them blasted with high-pressure hoses and flamethrowers next time. Most humans
are crawling with bacteria and slime, I've found, which is why I always place
Kleenex all over my favorite chair when watching Ice Station: Zebra
So, there you go. Joe Jurevicius is an official Cleveland Brown. And covered
with dirty, filthy germs. Just like the rest of you.
I'm going to finish posting this and take a shower for the next five hours. I
need to get that fresh feeling again.
Savage Contract Extension: Yeah,
Savage to get a new deal.. Yeah, done by the draft, maybe. We must have all
fallen through a rip in the fabric of space-time because, I swear, this was also
reported weeks ago.
Wake me up when it's done, and I'll see if I can beat the local sports
commentators to a deep and insightful column about the "value of continuity".
Then, if the Browns don't do as well as expected this season, I'll write one
blasting Lerner for "giving an unnecessary contract extension to a glorified
scout". Being a sportswriter is hard.
Blogs of Doom: The Browns blogging community has been pretty
quiet of late, but someone named "Doosh" has posted
Kenny Wright Motivational Posters in the Muni Lot, helping to explain why
professional sports teams hate bloggers. Perhaps closer to being useful, Sirk
blogs deep imponderables, like
Would JoBo have a job if he weren't a "closer"?
That's it in the world of Cleveland Browns.