OBR News-o-Rama: Pre-Weekend Shocktacular

OBR News-o-Rama: Pre-Weekend Shocktacular

In other news, you are all covered with bacteria. It's true.

Whoever said "there is nothing new under the sun", was cynical, easily bored, jaded, and absolutely correct.

The trite cliché which I amateurishly used to kick off this News-o-Rama seems especially true as we trudge through an April where the Cleveland Browns have no first-day draft picks. All that's left to feed our constant hunger for Browns news is a bunch of info-leftovers already known to most Browns fans weeks ago and improperly re-heated in the mainstream media's toaster oven.

Here are today's stunning developments:

Joe Jurevicius, Official Cleveland Brown: Not wanting to be left out, Joe Jurevicius finally passed the Browns Pledging and Initiation Ceremony by contracting a staph infection, it was kind-of, sort-of revealed in the mainstream media yesterday via the usual unnamed-sources. 

You might say, "Gee? Didn't I already know JJ had a staph infection?". Yeah, you probably did, because we were talking about it in the Watercooler a month ago, thanks to enterprising Browns fans. Proving once again that the hive mind knows all.

Anyhow, we're so proud of JJ, despite his tendency to procrastinate.

http://www.nyas.org/images/thumb_544.gifThe question, of course, is how the heck Jurevicius managed to find the right bacteria to come down with staph in the currently pristine and repeatedly-sterilized confines of Berea. My theory is that the Browns made a key mistake by having all employees leave Berea before last year's sterilization extravaganza. They need to bolt everyone to the floor and have them blasted with high-pressure hoses and flamethrowers next time. Most humans are crawling with bacteria and slime, I've found, which is why I always place Kleenex all over my favorite chair when watching Ice Station: Zebra

So, there you go. Joe Jurevicius is an official Cleveland Brown. And covered with dirty, filthy germs. Just like the rest of you.

I'm going to finish posting this and take a shower for the next five hours. I need to get that fresh feeling again.

Savage Contract Extension: Yeah, Savage to get a new deal.. Yeah, done by the draft, maybe. We must have all fallen through a rip in the fabric of space-time because, I swear, this was also reported weeks ago.

 Wake me up when it's done, and I'll see if I can beat the local sports commentators to a deep and insightful column about the "value of continuity". Then, if the Browns don't do as well as expected this season, I'll write one blasting Lerner for "giving an unnecessary contract extension to a glorified scout". Being a sportswriter is hard.

Blogs of Doom: The Browns blogging community has been pretty quiet of late, but someone named "Doosh" has posted Kenny Wright Motivational Posters in the Muni Lot, helping to explain why professional sports teams hate bloggers. Perhaps closer to being useful, Sirk blogs deep imponderables, like Would JoBo have a job if he weren't a "closer"?

That's it in the world of Cleveland Browns. Muse on!

 

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