Hey fellas, come on in. Sorry the place is such a mess.
Take a load off. Here, let me get your coats.
Randy, there's some brandy over there. It's not up to your standards, I'm sure, but I didn't buy it. It was just left over after a church function. They didn't like it, but I thought it was fine. Then again, I generally say that about booze. I'm easy to please that way.
Hey, Romeo, have a seat over by the fire. Just toss that stuff on the chair right onto the floor. Make yourself at home.
Ahhh. Nice and toasty warm. You sure looked cold on TV other night. A bit spherical in that coat, I must say, but who am I to talk about such things? I've put on a lot of weight myself since starting my own little business.
I know you head coaches work long hours. Man, we can relate. This is a hard-working town. Lots of long hours. Hard to find time to hit the gym.
Come on, folks, don't be shy. Willie, Ted, Braylon, Joe, Dennis, Reuben, Cosey... just find a chair or a place on the floor. We have a lot to talk about.
I have an important announcement to mak.... wait... did someone just hear a muffled screech of some sort?
Oh geez, Ted, dude... you sat on the cat. That's gonna be tough to explain to the little ones. Not your problem, though... Andra, if you could just slide what's left under the front door, we'll get started.
Alright, gentlemen, I know you're wondering what this is all about. But... the reason that I've brought you together tonight is that I've decided to sue the whole stinkin' lot of you.
That's right, I'm gonna sue. It's the American way.
This isn't going to be pretty, either. It's gonna get ugly. I crossbred a lawyer with a piranha and he's going to either take the money you've "earned" this year, or he will eat you alive in little tiny chunks.
Oh, stop, please. Throwing rolls of bills onto the fire won't stop me. I know you've got more than what you're carrying on you.
What was that? "Sue you for what?" Oh yeah, let me look this up... here it is: "non-support".
Yeah, I'm going to sue you for "non-support". Someone has to.
It's kind of complicated, so let me try to explain.
You see... when you come here to Cleveland, it's more than a landing strip for your private airplanes or a test track for your luxury SUVs.
There's a... contract, of sorts... an unwritten bond that is passed between the City of Cleveland and the team we've allowed, very profitably I may add, to represent us. You've broken that contract, I'm afraid, and now you're going to have to pay up.
I have to remind you that the contract, even though it's not on paper, explicitly states that you will not embarrass us in front of our rivals, and you will not embarrass us on national television. I'm afraid you've broken that contract. That first part of it you've been doing repeatedly, and we just can't take it anymore. At the very least, you have to try to appear to care. It's just gone too far.
By the way, that's why I didn't invite Kellen. I think he gets it. I'm leaving him out of this.
Oh, stop, stop, please. "Ungrateful"?
I know it might seem ungrateful, after all, you all work so hard. I'm not denying that.
But think about it... we built you that nice stadium with our tax dollars. They sure could have gone to something else, especially in this town. We also have filled up that stadium week after week, supporting you with our money. We even let you use our name. It's "Official Cleveland Browns" this and "Official Cleveland Browns" that. You're really throwing our name all over the place. Not the "Browns" part, the "Cleveland" part. You've kind of abused that, to be honest.
Come to think of it, this team wouldn't even exist if the fans didn't care enough to fight for it back a decade or so ago.
Yeah, I know that's ancient history to you guys. Some of you were just eleven or twelve when that happened. And, yes, for you free agent vets, I know that this is "just another city". But it's our city, and it means a lot to us. You just don't embarrass us like that, I'm sorry. That was just uncalled for.
You have to try to see this through our eyes. I know it's hard.
See, lots of us have to go to work tomorrow, and when we do, there will be Steeler fans, everywhere. It's really amazing how many people living in Cleveland are Steeler fans these days. They sure must be dedicated to live in Cleveland and be a Steeler fan. Winning breeds that sort of dedication, I guess. Or band-wagoning. One or the other.
Regardless, no matter where we go, we'll hear about it. These folks will be in our faces from jump street tomorrow morning and all through the off-season. You sorta want to belt them after a while, but it's not worth getting into a scrape when, heck, they're right. We really do "suck".
See what I mean? They'll say we're a bunch of losers, when it's actually you guys.
They don't care about that distinction, though, and we don't either. We're tied at the hip, you and us, and what you do makes us look good or bad. Bad, more likely. We've had more experience with that option, frankly.
And, hey, check this out... I probably shouldn't tell you this, but you guys really hurt me a lot, personally. It's a funny thing: I've got this little business, it's more of a passion than a business, really, but it turns out that not too many people want to spend money to learn about a team this horrible. I mean, it's almost like some people say "they don't seem to care about us, why should we care about them?"
So, yeah, times are hard, but we'll figure out a way to survive. I had two jobs, and I'm thinking of taking a third. Whatever it takes, man, whatever it takes. Gotta pay the bills.
You know, I was thinking the other day: all this law enforcement focused on deadbeat Dads, maybe they ought to focus on deadbeat teams, too. I'm just saying... it's worth thinking about... don't get mad.
Anyhow, I'd just thought you might have considered not humiliating your fan base against their most hated rival every December. You do that, and maybe we could have turned things around. We're joined at the hip, you and me, remember?
But, unfortunately, you had to go and suck the life out of our will to live again. You had to go and open us up to another year of abuse. Thanks a bunch.
So... my lawyer will be chomping on your butts as I escort you back to the door. He gets that way. I think he's got anger issues, or rabies.
No, I'm sorry. The party is over. But down the bottle.
Look, Alvin, my refrigerator is not a "doggie bag", even if it's brown. You have to leave it here.
It's time to go. I've said what I needed to say.
I thought they would never leave.
Gluttons for stupid remarks can reach entrepreneurial genius Barry McBride via email at and eventually get some sort of incomprehensible reply. Be on notice that Barry decided to tie his family's financial future to the on-field success of the Cleveland Browns, and is therefore considered a danger to himself and others. Don't lend him money.