Think Ken Dorsey has a noodle arm? Just
wait until you see me throw.
Or not. In fact, it’s likely you never
will. Count your blessings. It’s a gruesome spectacle that would sicken you and
scar young children.
Besides a pop-gun for a passing arm,
Dorsey and I share something else: We each own football championship rings.
Actually, mine won’t arrive until November. He earned his at the helm of the
2001 Miami Hurricanes. Mine
comes from a few notches down the football totem pole, courtesy of the
undefeated Port Huron Pirates of the Great Lakes Indoor Football League.
In homage to George Plimpton, I quit my
job in April and spent the season as the Pirates’ last-string quarterback. We
went 12-0 and won the inaugural Great Lakes Bowl on July 22, beating the
Rochester (N.Y.) Raiders 40-36.
No thanks to me, of course. I had knee
surgery in February that kept me, thankfully, on injured reserve all season.
But that won’t stop me from writing a
book about my experience, a sort of a low-rent, X-rated, minor-league version of
Paper Lion. I won’t reveal details here, but I can promise you the
reality of a professional football team is a far-cry from the sanitized,
clinical nonsense you read about in the newspapers or see on television. Sure,
the play on the field is pure, but it’s what happens off the field that is the
real action. And until the statute of limitations runs out on a number of
things, I can’t write about all of it.
What I can say is, it was the thrill of
a lifetime. It’s the only feeling I can imagine that’s on par with how I feel if
the Browns won the Super Bowl. When those final seconds ticked off the clock,
the reality hit that we’d done it. We’d won a championship. No, it’s not the
NFL. But to go undefeated in any sport, much less a professional league, is an
accomplishment. It was pure, unadulterated joy in front of almost 3,000 fans.
I’d never felt anything like it.
The seven-on-seven league is akin to
Single-A baseball, a step below capitalization-challenged af2, the feeder league
for the Arena Football League you see on television. We had guys who played at
USC, Michigan and Michigan State, West Virginia, Purdue, Toledo and Liberty.
This wasn’t indoor sandlot ball. A couple of the guys had been in the NFL, and
more than a few will likely land spots in bigger leagues. The Rochester
quarterback had a tryout with the Buffalo Bills, and our quarterback, former
Ohio Northern passer Shane Franzer, may ink a deal with the Columbus Destroyers.
The difference between my skills and Shane’s were the difference between Dan
Marino and Doug Pederson. Yeah, that vast.
I hadn’t played football in uniform in
15 years, and it showed. A decade ensconced behind a desk hadn’t helped,
regardless of my knee. I didn’t even attempt to see if I could launch the ball
endzone to endzone (which is 50 years, just like the AFL). That said, there’s no
doubt in my mind I could have completed a few passes (yes, to my own receivers),
if called upon. Being able to read a defense and an uncanny sense of
anticipation are the few quarterback skills I possess, and those can sometimes
be enough. Remember, I did say last string ... which is my title for the book.
The call to limp off the bench never
came, however. A little disappointing, to be sure, and not playing left me
feeling a bit like a fifth-wheel at times. But the guys accepted me, and I did
what I could to help. Obviously, I was there because ownership knew the
publicity value of a book. That’s fine by me. I wouldn’t have traded this
experience for anything. Plimpton may have been worlds ahead of me in literary
skill, but I know I could have out-thrown him.
And yes, I wore No. 19.
My fear is that I’ll never get that
thrill on some future Sunday in January (or February, since the Super Bowl seems
to drift on the calender). After winning the championship, it’s a feeling I want
all of my fellow long-suffering Browns fans to experience. For me, it washed
away some of those disappointments. No, the memory of the Drive and Fumble will
never be vanquished, but winning has given me a taste of being on the other side
for once. It was proof that not everyone from Cleveland is doomed.
It’s pretty evident we’re not going to share that thrill this season. The Browns
are certainly on the upswing, despite a Spinal Tap-like problem with centers.
The 2006 Browns are an enigma, seemingly capable of being the AFC’s annual
surprise team, or stumbling to a disappointing repeat of least year. It doesn’t
take a gridiron mystic, despite naysaying halfwit national “experts,” to see
that.
Based on what we saw in the preseason,
it’s not yet possible to draw much of a conclusion about this team. We saw
Charlie Frye eviscerate the Buffalo Bills, then disappear. Several starters were
missing, or playing very limited roles, so who knows what’s going to transpire
the next few months. Ironclad pronouncements right now are foolish.
My guess is that we won’t see an
accurate picture of this team’s ability until at least a month into the season.
September is going to be a time to gel and feel each other out on the field. I’m
going to withhold judgment until at least October, barring a truly stunning
start one way or another.
If forced to offer a prediction, the
2006 Cleveland Browns strike me as a 7-9 squad. If they went 6-10 or 10-6, I
wouldn’t be terribly surprised. As we know, injuries and luck play a tremendous
role on any team’s season. Stay healthy and get a few lucky bounces, and
Cleveland may be the toast of the NFL.
The effect of those intangibles is
directly proportionate to factors the team can control, such as mental
discipline, overall talent and coaching. Play and coach smart, and have a front
office that can build quality depth, and injuries and some ill-fortune is
mitigated.
As for talent, I’m not sold either way
on Frye. I simply haven’t seen enough of him. Five games isn’t enough evidence
to pass judgment on him. Let him play a full season before he’s anointed the
savior, or castigated as a bust. He’s got the tools around him. Kellen Winslow
II appears ready to take his place as one of the game’s premier play-makers,
Braylon Edwards looks healed and Reuben Droughns shattered that silly media myth
that Denver’s “system” is responsible for those talented running backs.
Then there’s the defense. Those 11 men
will make or break this team. And it all hinges on the secondary, which looked
abysmal in the preseason because the starters were missing. The front seven is
going to blossom into a unit mentioned in the same breath as Chicago, but it
doesn’t matter if you stop the run if you can’t stop the pass. Touchdowns are
worth six points in the air as on the ground.
If Gary Baxter, Leigh Bodden and Daylon McCutcheon play well, this is a top five defense. It if gels quickly, it make be
worthy of the “dawg defenses” we grew to love in the mid-1980s.
As for the rest of the AFC North,
here’s my Cliff Notes predictions:
Pittsburgh:
A quarterback controversy is just around the bend. Fathead Helmet Boy is going
to look sloppy in his return, and Charlie Batch’s performance against Miami in
the opener is going to serve as fuel for the fire. Willie Parker isn’t a
workhorse back. By November, he will be Pittsburgh’s version of “Metcalf up the
middle.” Super Bowl champions to .500.
Cincinnati:
Marvin Lewis brought more than just defensive schemes from Baltimore. The
Bengals are the NFL’s newest gang of immoral felons. And they’re going to
disappoint a lot of people in Porkopolis. However, they could win the division
at 9-7.
Baltimore:
The fraudulent, illegal, perverted, degenerate and depraved NFL franchise in
this city will forever more be referred to, in this column, as “the illegitimate
entity” rather than by its official name. How desperate do you have to be to
sign ancient and brittle Steve McNair? Brian Billick is gone by December.
Remember how the Browns defense aged and went downhill from 1989 to 1990? Ravens
take note. We’re looking at 4-12, and that pleases me.
So, the madness is about to start. It’s
always an exciting adventure to embark upon yet another of the great unknowns
that is a new Cleveland Browns seasons. I’ve got my laptop, vodka and supply of
pharmaceuticals laid out. My psyche is braced for mind-boggling nonsense (helmet
toss? bottle tossing?), although I was surprised to seen Nick Saban at the
center of the botched coaches challenge rather than Romeo Crennel. I’m sure
karma has something truly stupid in store for us.
That said, onward we march, to the tune
of Custer’s “Garryowen,” once more into the breach.
Safe Harbor Statement
Certain statements found in this
document constitute “forward-looking statements” within the meaning of the
Column Reform Act of This Morning. Such forward-looking statements involved
known and unknown risks and uncertainties and other factors which may cause the
actual results, performance and achievements of the column to be materially
different from any future results, performances or achievements expressed of
implied by such forward-looking statements. Such factors include, the fact that
the author is an unsteady drunken bonehead, and therefore the drunkenness
constitutes an unknown risk and uncertainty that may cause the results,
performance or achievements of the column to be materially different from past
or anticipated results. Among other such factors, the following: a propensity
for ingestion of certain consciousness-altering substances, up to but not
limited to, Vicodin (i.e. hydrocodone or dihydrocodeinone, all of which be
marketed as Anexsia, Anolor DH5, Bancap HC, Dolacet, Lorcet 10/650, Lorcet HD,
Lorcet Plus, Lortab, Lortab 10, Lortab 5/500, Lortab 7.5/500, Lortab Elixir,
Norco, T-Gesic, Vicodin, Vicodin ES, Vicodin HP, and Zydone); ingestion of a
typically colorless liquor, usually distilled from fermented grain or potatoes
but also from other raw materials, known as vodka (often combined with a fruit
juice obtained by squeezing or pressing the interior of an orange [Wikipedia]);
and a propensity for manufacture and distribution of written materials (i.e.
“the column” or “the work of literary merit” or “the steaming pile of dung” or
“the booze-soaked mad ramblings”) under less-than-ideal conditions (i.e. “after
deadline” or “in an addled stupor” or “in a defeat-induced rage”). Among other
such factors, the following: a shift in consumer preference for different
subjective materials, an unforseen increase in unconsciousness, economic
disruptions caused by terrorist activity, armed conflict or changed in economic
condition (i.e. “quitting his job again”). The columnist disclaims any intention
or obligation to update or revise any forward-looking statements, whether as a
result of new information, future events, sobriety or otherwise.
Former Ohio newspaper reporter and
editor Bill Shea pens the Doc Gonzo column at some point each week for The OBR.
This will be his sixth season writing about the Browns for the site, and perhaps
it will be the season he gets it right (but don’t count on it). For details
about his disturbing personal life, including photos from his tenure as the
last-string quarterback of an indoor professional football team, visit
www.myspace.com/neocongonzo. You can e-mail him at
docgonzo19@aol.com.