In a sad and sudden news item on what is otherwise a positive e-meter day for
all Brownsintologists, published reports relay the unfortunate news that
ex-Browns head coach Butch Davis has been eaten by wild animals following a
plunge into a deep ravine located in a mountainous region of Colorado.
While news reports are currently sketchy at best, reports indicate that
Davis' fall was prefaced by an aborted attempt to escape an unnamed group of
assailants who were chasing the ex-head coach, who was in Colorado to evaluate
college prospects in his role as draft expert for the NFL Network.
Following the fall of a considerable distance, Davis was reportedly shot
several times as rescuers attempted to fend off a grizzly bear, mountain lion,
and the rare carnivorous Poison Scary Frog with sniper rifles. Ultimately this
long-distance rescue attempt proved futile as the ex-coach was messily devoured.
Reactions were mixed among players who had experience with Davis, with many
choosing not to comment on the reports. DT Gerard Warren did talk to the OBR,
however, while on his way to a "memorial service" at a Denver-area
all-you-can-eat buffet. While noting Davis' role as the man who drafted him,
Warren also took the time to praise the animals involved in Davis' demise,
noting accurately that "They ate Butch's guts out."
- J. Smith