In a follow-up to a story first broken by internet website Pro Football Talk
in early 2004, TheOBR.com learned Friday evening that Browns owner Randy Lerner
has elected to sell a portion of the Browns franchise as part of a strategy to
exit his "custodial role" as owner of the Cleveland Browns.
It has been reported exclusively to this corner that Lerner intends to sell
23% of the franchise to a consortium headed up by actor Tom Cruise and believed
to be backed at least in part by the Church of Scientology. The agreement allows
the consortium to purchase the team in full after one year of what is termed to
be "due diligence".
While surprising in its suddenness, the news comes after successive
disappointing seasons for the team, which has hungered for cash after losing
money each year since returning to the league in 1999.
In Cruise's consortium, the organization finds a well-heeled new group of
owners with a passion to win and money to burn.
"This is a win-win and an inevitable branching out and diversification of the
Cruise and CoS portfolio", local investment analyst Melvin Firestone told the
OBR, "It makes a tremendous amount of sense for both Lerner and the Cruise team.
Lerner is able to put himself in a position to sell the entire club at a
significant profit, while the Church of Scientology manages to find a business
with even greater profit margins and cult-like devotion than the religion biz".
NFL Sources tell the OBR that the year-long "due diligence" time period will
be used to thrash agents of Xenu out of the organization while ridding the team
of negative engrams caused by sources as diverse as misguided thetans, overuse
of psychiatric techniques, and the "resonant aura of Dwight Clark screwing up
drafts like Brooke Shields on an anti-depressant bender".
While the cross-marketing of football and Scientology (Brownsintology)
at first seems an odd coupling, the ability to selectively target fans for
$5,999 courses to put themselves into an Operating Thetan state could have
considerable appeal to individuals who have been conditioned to pay $8 for a
beer and eager for another purpose in life after watching a 41-0 loss to the
Pittsburgh Steelers on Christmas Eve.
"Browns fans have been somewhat in a state of shock since mid-2005 when they
realized that they actually paid to see Spergon Wynn play quarterback during the
2000 season", a Scientology spokesperson told us in a phone conversation Friday
evening. "There's obviously some negative energy there, and I'm sure that the
E-Meters are in the black throughout that city. We can fix that, not only by
assuring that Wynn is not allowed within city limits, but by providing free
counseling sessions whenever someone fills out an MBNA card application".
The Cruise connection will also help to return a glossy Hollywood flavor to
the club, not seen since Municipal Stadium appeared extensively in "The Fortune
Cookie" back in 1966. The team has already announced that popular singer Isaac
Hayes will sing the national anthem at this year's season opener. Rumors of the
team's 2006 season being recorded in a high-profile documentary titled "Remember
the Thetans" have already hit the Hollywood gossip blogs.
While Cruise himself could not be reached to comment on the reports, a
spokesperson for the actor reminded the OBR that "Mr. Cruise and his fiancee
love organized spectator sports, which is only natural for a burly actor who enjoys seeing violent contact between large men."
"Cruise understands what is important to Browns fans", an NFL source
confirmed last evening, "This will go over big." While the actor probably will
be at the Stadium only on rare occasions, he is already helping to brainstorm
marketing concepts, such as proposed "Pittsburgh believes in Psychotherapy"
t-shirts and a "Matt Lauer is a Weenie" day.
"It's a fit made in marketing heaven", we were told by a Hollywood insider.
"Tom is starring in Mission Impossible 3 this Summer. Well, what do you think
Romeo Crennel is dealing with? Mission pretty freaking unlikely. Plus, the
parallels between MI3 villain Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character and ex-Browns
offensive lineman Enoch Demar are inescapable."
- J. Smith