Grandma got run over by a reindeer; Walking home from our house Christmas
Eve; You can say there’s no such thing as Santa; But as for me and Grandpa, we
believe...
- Elmo & Patsy
So the voices in my head, during a network commercial break, were trying to sing
politically correct carols about Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or a Chainsaw
Massacre To Remember. But this year the chorus became convoluted, like listening
to Tony Siragusa, and the next thing I knew they were all singing, “Are you
ready for some football?”
But I digress. So let me continue. This week the Cleveland Browns play the
Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers play the Chicago Bears and if you
think there is a rivalry in sports better than those, you must live in the
Middle East rather than the Middle West. Ah, the holidays – a time for rivals to
eat each other’s hearts for dinner while smiling at the applesauce. Isn’t it
quaint and beautiful? Yes, rivalries are gifts.
And speaking of gifts, I robbed two banks and a liquor store so that I could
get you a present. But then, listen… because of orders by a particular voice not
to mention salary cap rules, I was forced to spend the money on chocolate donuts
and, you know, carbonated things, so um…, like the song says, you can tell
everybody that this is your column. Or there’s that other song, you know, how
you can’t always get what you want - you hear that one Texans fans? Many are
singing along. Do you hear what I hear?
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COWBOYS AT PANTHERS – Bill Parcells was so upset after last week’s
loss to the Redskins, I heard him talking about a great spot on his roof to hunt
reindeer. And yet venison at the training table does not help protect Drew Bledsoe. Panthers 29, Cowboys 17
BILLS AT BENGALS – Kelly Holcomb gets a Kelly Holcomb jersey for
Christmas, but he hurts himself putting it on. Bengals 31, Bills 10
STEELERS AT BROWNS – Once a long time ago, a defensive lineman for the
Cleveland Browns named Joe “Turkey” Jones picked up Terry Bradshaw, turned him
upside down, and then slammed his head into the ground. Yes, it’s Christmas and
my heart gets all warm and fuzzy with that memory. Now watch Reuben Droughns do
the same thing to the Steelers defense. Why? Because it’s all that I want for
Christmas. Well, that and world peace. Browns 28, Steelers 13
JAGUARS AT TEXANS - The rumor that federal agents kidnapped Reggie Bush and are currently holding him under a Christmas tree in Houston is not
completely false. Jaguars 24, Texans 14
CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Even though the Chargers may actually be the best
team in football, Marty Schottenheimer is their coach and you can’t tell me that
he hasn’t been cursed by Babe Ruth. Seriously, I can build a case… let’s start
with Kevin Bacon. Chiefs 29, Chargers 27
TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Larry Csonka walks into the locker room with a
bottle of champagne and a big cigar in his mouth and he wishes the Dolphins a
Merry Christas. An old janitor says, “He does this every year, sometimes in
October.” Dolphins 24, Titans 17
LIONS AT SAINTS – Matt Millen has perfected the art of being rewarded
for failure and for that he is an American icon. In fact, the Matt Millen poster
is the hottest must-have gift for kids who get Fs. So you want to know why I am
picking the Lions to win? It’s Christmas and I want a poster! Lions 25,
Saints 10
49ERS AT RAMS – Okay, the real Christmas we all want is a battle next
week between the 49ers and Texans – loser take all of Reggie Bush. That’s why…
Rams 30, 49ers 6
FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – I’ve got this great idea for a reality TV
show. Give Jon Gruden a New England Patriots hat for Christmas and then ask him
to smile at the camera and say “zero.” I’m thinking the Falcons don’t find the
Buccaneers in a gift-giving mood two weeks in a row. Buccaneers 29, Falcons
21
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Psst. Don’t tell anyone but I just found out
about this guy that plays for the Giants named Tiki Barber. I think he’s pretty
good, but it’s our secret because nobody knows about him. At the end, Jay Feely
continues a city’s exploration of his psyche. Giants 23, Redskins 21
EAGLES AT CARDINALS – Sure it’s on the schedule but still, for gosh
sake, why? Cardinals 20, Eagles 19
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – Norv Turner tries to pump up the team by telling
them that the Raiders have cool uniforms and Randy Moss says, “Yeah, I saw Snoop
wearing one once!” That’s right, laid back, got your mind on your money and your
money on your mind. Football? What? Broncos 40, Raiders 7
COLTS AT SEAHAWKS – Can someone explain why the NFL scheduled an
exhibition game at this time of year? Colts 29, Seahawks 10
BEARS AT PACKERS – On the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field the stout
Bears defense visits trying to put an end to the career of the aging legend at
quarterback (Please use John Facenda voice as you read), but on this cold bitter
day the football gods are contrarians as the old quarterback once again rises to
meet the epic challenge. Packers 23, Bears 10
VIKINGS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis is invited to go on a boat cruise in
Minnesota but he decides it would be morally wrong so he feeds homeless people
instead but no one told him that he wasn’t supposed to feed the homeless people
to other people and so another volunteer, O.J. Simpson, mistakenly puts Ray into
the homeless stew. How is that for a happy holiday wish from these two cheerful
teams? Vikings 30, Ravens 23
PATRIOTS AT JETS – During halftime, Tom Brady announces an exploratory
committee to run for president. He doesn’t join either party but rather forms
the Tom Brady Party. Somehow, it all works. Patriots 39, Jets 12
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So whatever it is that you wish each other this time of year, I hope you have
a merry or happy one. I wish you health and happiness and love and wealth and
adventure but most of all I wish that the Browns beat the Steelers. Merry
Christmas!
This column is sponsored by lame smiles claiming to “love it.”
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA. www.briantarcy.com