WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN
(Home of Peyton Manning’s Visit to a Shrink)
Oh no, not you again; messing up my life
- Rolling Stones
Peyton: Bill Belichick gives me nightmares.
Doctor: Peyton, tell me about your mother.
Peyton: Let me tell you about my father.
Doctor: Go on.
Peyton: He made me throw “out” patterns over and over just because I didn’t
walk our dog, Blocker. That three-legged mutt was the only blocker Dad ever had,
you know.
Doctor: But was it a good childhood?
Peyton: Did you know I have a little brother?
Doctor: Yes! Eli is great! The kid is probably going to win the Super Bowl
this year. You must be so proud.
Peyton: When I was bigger than Eli, I could beat him up and that was fun. But
one day he was big too and he hit me in the face with a shovel. That’s why I
look like this and he looks like a movie star.
Doctor: Speaking of movie stars…did you know that Tom Brady is my favorite
football player? Say, since you’re going to be congratulating him this weekend…
Peyton: I’m going to win!
Doctor: Sure you are. Still, could you get me his autograph? I love how he
always wins at the end.
Peyton: But…
Doctor: Oh Peyton – you were CUTE in that commercial! Everybody says so.
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RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – How do you beat the Chiefs? Ask frustrated Chiefs coach
Dick Vermeil: “I’d throw the ball.” The Raiders throw the ball. The Chiefs win.
That’s good coaching. Chiefs 29, Raiders 24
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Okay, here’s a pitch for a new situation comedy:
David Carr tries to buy insurance. Jaguars 24, Texans 7
TITANS AT BROWNS – Trent Dilfer continues to lobby hard to get Trent
Dilfer put on the bench. He’s even hired Scooter Libby. Meanwhile, Ruth
Paglowski of Parma is the winner of the team’s YOU BE THE PUNTER essay contest
with this opening sentence: “I can kick and knit, which is two things your
current punter can’t do.” She averages forty yards a kick, while completing two
baby sweaters on the sideline. After the game, Romeo Crennel, who didn’t get the
name “Romeo” for nothing, says he needs to go home and make a couple of babies.
“Anything to keep my punter happy,” he says. Browns 19, Titans 10
BYE AT BILLS – A meteorologist predicts that a hurricane, an
earthquake, a mudslide, three tornados and a blizzard are forecast for December
and Bills fans figure that gives their team a home field advantage for the rest
of the season. As always, with this team they’ll live with the weather if it
gives them wins.
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Brian Billick is so upset with his offense that he
tosses his headphones, which land in Gatorade, splashing Ray Lewis in the eye,
who then hobbles into the stands blindly where he suffers a fatal head wound
from a vendor’s toss of a bag of peanuts. Bengals 27, Ravens 17
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – At halftime, Chris Simms realizes that he
isn’t playing X-box. It’s an important discovery as perception, once again,
turns out to be reality. Buccaneers 19, Panthers 14
CHARGERS AT JETS – “J” is for Just, “E” is for Everything, “T” is for
That, and “S” is for…… Chargers 100, Jets 3
BYE AT COWBOYS – Keyshawn Johnson buys a Michael Irvin retro jersey.
LIONS AT VIKINGS – Brad Johnson is surprised to discover that not only
is he still in the NFL, but he is a starting quarterback. The odd thing is, the
same goes for Joey Harrington. Vikings 21, Lions 10
FALCONS AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins debut the rock-paper-scissors
offense: Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams play rock-paper-scissors before each
play to see who gets to carry the ball. Dolphins 20, Falcons 16
GIANTS AT 49ERS – Sometimes the NFL makes no sense and I say this is
why. Yep, this is my upset special because I’m sick of Eli. 49ers 23, Giants
20
BYE AT BRONCOS – Party at Gerard Warren’s house.
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Kurt Warner tries to change his luck so he
becomes a pagan and thanks a different statue after each touchdown. He throws
three – for a general on horseback, a gnome, and a pink flamingo. Blessed are
the pink flamingos, apropos in a game about Seahawks and Cardinals, eh?
Cardinals 24, Seahawks 20
BEARS AT SAINTS AT SOMEWHERE… The Bears have a defense and the Saints
have a legitimate complaint. When was the last time you saw anyone with a
legitimate complaint win? Bears 30, Saints 20
STEELERS AT PACKERS – Brett Favre agrees that sometimes you can hang
around too long, and then he throws four touchdown passes. Charlie Batch plays
exactly like Charlie Batch. Packers 31, Steelers 17
BYE AT RAMS – A bidding war erupts between phone companies for the
cell phone contract.
EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Terrell Owens tells everyone that Joe Montana in
his best season would be a better quarterback than Donovan McNabb. McNabb throws
three touchdown passes to Owens and then vomits because karma does that.
Eagles 28, Redskins 25
COLTS AT PATRIOTS – Everything about this game tells me that the Colts
will probably win because it’s the middle of the season and the Patriots are
banged up and the Colts are the best team in football. Then I remember three
names: Belichick, Brady, Vinateiri. Go to sleep, wake up to watch Belichick
scheme to stop Manning, Brady drive the team down the field, and Vinateiri kick
the winning field goal. Yes, I predict football games and I also predict the sun
will rise in the East. Some predictions are easy. Patriots 24, Colts 23
I know how it’s done in this dirty world. I called up one of my sources and
said, “Hey, did you know that I’m an idiot?”
He said he wasn’t surprised but was happy that I provided a second source for
the information.
“Who is the first source?” I asked.
“How many people do you know?”
This column is sponsored by bird flu recipes.
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA. www.briantarcy.com