What's Gonna Happen: Season Preview Edition

What's Gonna Happen: Season Preview Edition

HOME OF TYPING MONKEYSBrian Tarcy returns to predict the entire 2005 NFL season. The standard prediction ensues. Of course, per usual, and ad nauseum, the contents of this article don't necessarily reflect the opinions of Bernie's Insiders, Bernie Kosar, or anyone with relatively undamaged DNA.

He was taken to task, by some critics who asked, do you write the words or lyrics first?
  - The Michael Stanley Band

 

Here's the truth and I only warn you once a football season: I am missing a chromosome and I am not sure which one.

Thus, most domestic rocks, at least the brown ones, know more about football than I do. I am warning you now because Iraq, where I vacation, mandates that I must tell the truth about my football intelligence. It's the only law in the entire country and they really enforce it. Ouch!

The truth is that each week this season seven monkeys will type the words to this football predictions' column while I plan to stare fascinated by my own drool – pretty, wet, and oh look – I make more!

And while someone around here is being honest, I guess I should come clean about my objectivity: I was raised in a dark cage near Cleveland, Ohio and fed only other dogs for food. I am from a dog-eat-dog world and that's why I like puppies.

So even if I and you and everyone, yes even the monkeys, know that the Cleveland Browns are going to lose (like last season, and the season before that, and…), I am ALWAYS going to predict that my favorite football team will win.

If you don't like it, blame the monkeys. That's what I do. It simplifies everything.


Ten years from now, I saw an advertisement for a time machine on late night TV.

This morning I woke up ten years from now and hopped a quick ride on my new time machine back to this upcoming Super Bowl, checked out the final score, and then headed straight here to tell you what's gonna happen, stopping only for a beer in 2008 – because that's one hell of a year.

Anyway, I'm back from the future, just for you, to predict football games.

I'm also back because ten years from now, gas costs $5,000 a gallon and Congress, bored with all the wars and natural disasters, passed a law that everyone has to host Ozzy Osbourne for a day of reality television. Today was supposed to be my day. I ran.

I know what you are thinking – why the time machine? Well, last year I used a crystal ball and I predicted the Cleveland Browns would win the Super Bowl. I won't make that mistake again, no sir.

So, what is going to happen this season in the NFL? It's my job to tell you, but really, how am I supposed to know?

It's not like I have time machine.


THE NFC

Even proponents of intelligent design have to concede that evolution has favored the AFC over the NFC. Intelligent design? Yeah, tell that to a New Orleans Saints' fan.

NFC EAST

  • EAGLES – Terrell Owens, Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid walk into a bar…11-5
     
  • COWBOYS – A long time ago when Drew Bledsoe was a great quarterback, Bill Parcells was a genius. Time flies…8-8
     
  • REDSKINS – As the Joe Gibbs revival continues in the shadow of Psycho Dan, it reminds one of the crazy person who declares, "I have a split personality; no I don't!…7-9.
     
  • GIANTS – Every family needs a black sheep and well, sorry Eli but the vote is in…6-10

NFC NORTH

  • VIKINGS – The identity of the organization – far out, dude! – was sent west to Oakland. That's why I say…12-4
     
  • LIONS – Someone has to believe in Joey Harrington besides his mom. I'm a fan. Plus check out those receivers…9-7
     
  • PACKERS – Brett Favre threw 30 TD passes last season and long ago Bart Starr was good too…8-8.
     
  • BEARS – Kyle Orton has never heard of himself either…3-13.

NFC SOUTH

  • SAINTS – Wherever they play the entire country will be rooting for them – America's Saints - and karma counts, doesn't it?…12-4.
     
  • PANTHERS – Last year the team doctor had a roster spot. If they can cut him and stay healthy, they may be good again…10-6.
     
  • FALCONS – Michael Vick runs around and throws interceptions, nothing new here, what's new with you?…8-8.
     
  • BUCCANEERS – PBS is there when Jon Gruden explodes. Ken Burns and that Australian guy that wrestles alligators collaborate…5-11.

NFC WEST

  • CARDINALS – Kurt Warner and Dennis Green sing Kumbaya next to a cactus because Brenda Warner told them to…13-3.
     
  • RAMS – Mark Bulger hires a hit man to kill Mike Martz but then reconsiders and buys a $1 cheeseburger instead…10-6
     
  • SEAHAWKS – Mike Holmgren leaves in midseason to tour Europe as a modern art example of the evolution of a doughnut…9-7
     
  • 49ers – For two decades this was among the best team sin football, but the other side of the coin is ugly…2-14.

THE AFC

Also known as the Bill Belichick conference, sometimes referred to as Tom Brady's domain, this particular piece of real estate regularly produces world champions.

AFC EAST

  • PATRIOTS – People are gone – Romeo Crennel, Tedy Bruschi etc. – but betting against Tom Brady is retarded…11-5
     
  • DOLPHINS – With no quarterback and two running backs, college coach Nick Saban brings back the wishbone…9-7
     
  • BILLS – J.P. Losman, meet your backup and nemesis, the teasing Kelly Holcomb…7-9
     
  • JETS – I often revel in the miseries of others and the good news is I can pick up New York sports radio…4-12

AFC NORTH

  • BROWNS – I have a copy of the Walt Disney script for this season and I don't want to give away secrets but Charlie Frye has a speaking role…16-0
     
  • STEELERS – Ben Roethliserger, who was raised in Ohio, is no longer welcome for Thanksgiving…10-6
     
  • BENGALS – Chants are heard throughout Cincinnati – "We're mediocre! We're mediocre!"…8-8
     
  • RAVENS – I don't care what all the other pundits say, this is my column and here the Ravens finish last…3-13.

AFC SOUTH

  • COLTS – Peyton Manning throws 4 million touchdown passes but still can't beat the Patriots…13-3.
     
  • JAGUARS – Leftwich to Jones is going to be standard Sportscenter fare this year…10-6
     
  • TEXANS – The levees of New Orleans are playing offensive line for the Texans…7-9
     
  • TITANS – Steve McNair, by the end of the season playing in a full body cast, can't do it all himself…2-14

AFC WEST

  • CHARGERS – LaDanian Tomlinson is the best running back in football and Marty Schottenheimer is his coach…11-5
     
  • RAIDERS – Come on, admit it. You know it's going to be fun to watch the Raiders this year…10-6
     
  • CHIEFS – Poor Dick Vermeil, I smell injuries coming, I see sadness in the future. Don't cry…7-9
     
  • BRONCOS – A team drafts Maurice Clarett and imports the 2004 Cleveland Browns defensive line. Who is missing a chromosome?…5-11

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
SAINTS OVER VIKINGS

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS

SUPER BOWL
BROWNS OVER SAINTS


This column is sponsored by proponents of brain cell research.

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