He was taken to task, by some critics who asked, do you write the words or
- The Michael Stanley Band
Here’s the truth and I only warn you once a football season: I am missing a
chromosome and I am not sure which one.
Thus, most domestic rocks, at least the brown ones, know more about football
than I do. I am warning you now because Iraq, where I vacation, mandates that I
must tell the truth about my football intelligence. It’s the only law in the
entire country and they really enforce it. Ouch!
The truth is that each week this season seven monkeys will type the words to
this football predictions’ column while I plan to stare fascinated by my own
drool – pretty, wet, and oh look – I make more!
And while someone around here is being honest, I guess I should come clean
about my objectivity: I was raised in a dark cage near Cleveland, Ohio and fed
only other dogs for food. I am from a dog-eat-dog world and that’s why I like
So even if I and you and everyone, yes even the monkeys, know that the
Cleveland Browns are going to lose (like last season, and the season before
that, and…), I am ALWAYS going to predict that my favorite football team will
If you don’t like it, blame the monkeys. That’s what I do. It simplifies
Ten years from now, I saw an advertisement for a time machine on late night
This morning I woke up ten years from now and hopped a quick ride on my new
time machine back to this upcoming Super Bowl, checked out the final score, and
then headed straight here to tell you what’s gonna happen, stopping only for a
beer in 2008 – because that’s one hell of a year.
Anyway, I’m back from the future, just for you, to predict football games.
I’m also back because ten years from now, gas costs $5,000 a gallon and
Congress, bored with all the wars and natural disasters, passed a law that
everyone has to host Ozzy Osbourne for a day of reality television. Today was
supposed to be my day. I ran.
I know what you are thinking – why the time machine? Well, last year I used a
crystal ball and I predicted the Cleveland Browns would win the Super Bowl. I
won’t make that mistake again, no sir.
So, what is going to happen this season in the NFL? It’s my job to tell you,
but really, how am I supposed to know?
It’s not like I have time machine.
Even proponents of intelligent design have to concede that evolution has
favored the AFC over the NFC. Intelligent design? Yeah, tell that to a New Orleans Saints’ fan.
- EAGLES – Terrell Owens, Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid walk into a
- COWBOYS – A long time ago when Drew Bledsoe was a great quarterback,
Bill Parcells was a genius. Time flies…8-8
- REDSKINS – As the Joe Gibbs revival continues in the shadow of Psycho
Dan, it reminds one of the crazy person who declares, “I have a split
personality; no I don’t!…7-9.
- GIANTS – Every family needs a black sheep and well, sorry Eli but the
vote is in…6-10
- VIKINGS – The identity of the organization – far out, dude! – was sent
west to Oakland. That’s why I say…12-4
- LIONS – Someone has to believe in Joey Harrington besides his mom. I’m a
fan. Plus check out those receivers…9-7
- PACKERS – Brett Favre threw 30 TD passes last season and long ago Bart
Starr was good too…8-8.
- BEARS – Kyle Orton has never heard of himself either…3-13.
- SAINTS – Wherever they play the entire country will be rooting for them
– America’s Saints - and karma counts, doesn’t it?…12-4.
- PANTHERS – Last year the team doctor had a roster spot. If they can cut
him and stay healthy, they may be good again…10-6.
- FALCONS – Michael Vick runs around and throws interceptions, nothing new
here, what’s new with you?…8-8.
- BUCCANEERS – PBS is there when Jon Gruden explodes. Ken Burns and that
Australian guy that wrestles alligators collaborate…5-11.
- CARDINALS – Kurt Warner and Dennis Green sing Kumbaya next to a cactus
because Brenda Warner told them to…13-3.
- RAMS – Mark Bulger hires a hit man to kill Mike Martz but then
reconsiders and buys a $1 cheeseburger instead…10-6
- SEAHAWKS – Mike Holmgren leaves in midseason to tour Europe as a modern
art example of the evolution of a doughnut…9-7
- 49ers – For two decades this was among the best team sin football, but
the other side of the coin is ugly…2-14.
Also known as the Bill Belichick conference, sometimes referred to as Tom Brady’s domain, this particular piece of real estate regularly produces world
- PATRIOTS – People are gone – Romeo Crennel, Tedy Bruschi etc. – but
betting against Tom Brady is retarded…11-5
- DOLPHINS – With no quarterback and two running backs, college coach Nick
Saban brings back the wishbone…9-7
- BILLS – J.P. Losman, meet your backup and nemesis, the teasing Kelly Holcomb…7-9
- JETS – I often revel in the miseries of others and the good news is I
can pick up New York sports radio…4-12
- BROWNS – I have a copy of the Walt Disney script for this season and I
don’t want to give away secrets but Charlie Frye has a speaking role…16-0
- STEELERS – Ben Roethliserger, who was raised in Ohio, is no longer
welcome for Thanksgiving…10-6
- BENGALS – Chants are heard throughout Cincinnati – “We’re mediocre!
- RAVENS – I don’t care what all the other pundits say, this is my column
and here the Ravens finish last…3-13.
- COLTS – Peyton Manning throws 4 million touchdown passes but still can’t
beat the Patriots…13-3.
- JAGUARS – Leftwich to Jones is going to be standard Sportscenter fare
- TEXANS – The levees of New Orleans are playing offensive line for the
- TITANS – Steve McNair, by the end of the season playing in a full body
cast, can’t do it all himself…2-14
- CHARGERS – LaDanian Tomlinson is the best running back in football and
Marty Schottenheimer is his coach…11-5
- RAIDERS – Come on, admit it. You know it’s going to be fun to watch the
Raiders this year…10-6
- CHIEFS – Poor Dick Vermeil, I smell injuries coming, I see sadness in
the future. Don’t cry…7-9
- BRONCOS – A team drafts Maurice Clarett and imports the 2004 Cleveland
Browns defensive line. Who is missing a chromosome?…5-11
SAINTS OVER VIKINGS
BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS
BROWNS OVER SAINTS
This column is sponsored by proponents of brain cell research.