McBride: Why I Drink

Reasons 0027 through 0045, captured for the reference purposes of future generations.

You want to know why I drink? I'll tell you why I drink. Repeatedly, until drinking is the only way you can cope.

REASON #0027: Because the Cleveland Browns just defeated the defending Super Bowl Champions in one of the greatest cities to visit on the planet and I wasn't there.

REASON #0028: Because, no matter how many times we convince ourselves that these things even out, the simultaneously repulsive and horrifically successful Pittsburgh Steelers always seem to wind up on the plus side of officiating screw-ups.

REASON #0029: Because, at most, the Browns can only play the defending Super Bowl champions once per year.

REASON #0030:Because I'll never have good pals like Bill, Boomer, Dan, and Shannon who are not only the manliest of manly men, but who would also laugh hysterically at any joke I make, even if it's not remotely funny.

REASON #0031:Because that saying "If you have two quarterbacks, you really don't have any" also applies to girlfiends, wives, and jobs. But it doesn't apply to beer. If you have two beers, well, you have two freaking beers. And having two beers is awesome.

REASON #0032:Because I just realized that the most potent offensive force to ever wear the uniform number 2 for the Cleveland Browns during the expansion era is a punter. Still, if we count on him for 70 rushing yards a game, we would probably wind up 1-15.

REASON #0033:Because they never made Buckaroo Banzai vs. the World Crime League.

REASON #0034:Because I still can't figure out what the blazing hell the Browns are trying to do at running back, other than get as far away from having the prototypical West Coast Offense RB as any player this side of Ron Dayne.

REASON #0035:Because there are people who think it might not be a bad idea to wipe out all carnivorous creatures on the planet thereby creating, in under a hundred years, a perfect situation for the Ravenous Meat-Thirsty Hogulus of Hobo 13 to descend on our peaceful, defenseless planet and turn all the native inhabitants into McNuggets.

REASON #0036:Because I'll never see a touchdown run that is as beautiful and time-consuming as David Bowens, uh, gradual migration from mid-field to the end zone last Sunday.

REASON #0037:Because Rob Ryan and Brad Seely got Gatorade baths and Brian Daboll didn't. Isn't there a rule that once you douse two coaches, you have to drench them all? Because there should be. And everyone who plays on a Tee-Ball team gets a trophy, no matter if you won or lost. And we all go out to Dairy Queen afterwards. Coach's treat!

REASON #0038:Because my own experience with my children, safety seats, and the backseat of a 1993 Mazda MX-6 soured me on how aggressive one can be with wadding living organisms into small spaces. Ultimately, this experience made me realize that there is no way to wad a Pikachu into one of those little Pokeballs and not dislocate several of the poor critter's joints. What you've been told about Pokemon is a vile, vicious lie that hides a horrible truth.

REASON #0039:Because Jake Delhomme seems like a genuinely good guy, but I do not know of a single Cleveland Browns fan who is enthusiastic about seeing him play quarterback for us ever again.

REASON #0040:Because this series will not be able to continue if all things that irritate me were resolved. And if this series ended, that would irritate me, if no one else.

REASON #0041:Because I could have told you before the season that the Cincinnati Bengals were going to dramatically under-perform and that having both ChadoCincoJohnso and TO on the same team was a mistake. But when I try to take credit for it, I am dismissively called "Captain Obvious" simply because other football fan over the of 12 and living outside the Greater Cincinnati Metropolitan Area predicted the same thing.

REASON #0042:Because this site's existence is due to a bad person doing a bad thing to good people, and basically getting away with it. But no data center on the planet - not even Google's - has the disk space needed to write a website every time that happens.

REASON #0043:Because somewhere out there on the internet is an audio file of me asking Fred Greetham "Why the heck would the Browns bring David Bowens back?".

REASON #0044:Because I'm secretly forced to drink by an evil cabal consisting of members of the Freemasons, the Tri-Lateral Commission, and various Reptilian overlord species who have been scheming for me to drink since landing in Northern Ireland in 1608. And their plan has worked flawlessly.

REASON #0045:Because Eric Mangini willingly brought in a running back, Thomas Clayton, who had recently been practicing with the New England Patriots, likely in part to find out what the Pats are doing. Of course, this is exactly what Bill Belichick was planning on. Ponder these two words and tell me if you don't need hard alcohol to quell your fear: Sleeper Agent. Nobody let him play solitaire.

Another reason Barry drinks is because he's Publisher of the Orange and Brown Report, for over a decade your internet home for Cleveland Browns football analysis win, lose, or in the face of sobriety-crushing doom. You can reach him by clicking here or, if you love following the adventures of unremarkable middle-aged suburbanites, you can vicariously stalk him using Twitter.

 

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